I Have Been Dreading This For 10 Years......

As my sweet baby Grace inches closer and closer to the dreaded teenage years I realize that the day that I have been terrified of is close at hand.....it is time to have..."THE TALK" (gasp, whimper, tremble)!!! Now I have been doing my research for years on the right way to proceed with this and every book, doctor and other parent has advised me to just be honest and give the facts and be matter of fact about it. Obviously, they don't know me very well at all, or they would know that saying the word "Sex" or referring to body parts with their correct terminology is never going to easily or matter of factly come out of my mouth without the help of a pitcher of margarita's and maybe an extra Lexapro. I mean I'm breaking into a sweat right now at the mere thought of having to say "those words", to my sweet innocent baby. So I have come up with a 2 step plan. It may require a few extra sessions of family therapy later on, but I'm willing to chance it.

Step One:
I'm going to inform her all of the basics and then include the following: That the first time you have sex it is extremely painful, so painful in fact that it has been known to cause temporary blindness and sometimes causes girls who are too young to pass out. I am then going to tell her a "story", of a family member who shall remain anonymous who on her first time had a front tooth spontaneously eject from her mouth poking her unsuspecting lover in the eye causing her such humiliation that she had to move to another town and change schools. Now, I know this may seem cruel and inhuman but I'm really just trying to buy some time here people. I will then ease some of her fears by telling her that the only way to not have to go through this pain and agony is by having a special magical ring blessed by a minister on her wedding day in front of her loving parents that when placed on her finger has a special anesthetic that takes away all of the horrible parts. I figure that this will buy me another good 3-4 years before the world informs her of my treachery and then I will have to go on to...

Step Two:
which is... well, the truth at which time I will have had a job for a while and be able to put my bribery plan into action with clothes, a car or a pony.

I have also been working with John to get our stories straight about how the two of us met. Instead of telling the children we met when I was 17 on Forrest Lane when I locked my keys in the car at 11:00 at night when I was on my way to the illegal street races, we are going to tell our children that we met when John was dropping off his food donation to the retirement home and saw me there reading to the blind. Now normally John would not go along with something like this but honestly he would agree to just about anything so as not to have to be the ONE giving his baby girl "The Talk", so he's playing along.

And family members, if at our next family gathering you notice that Gracy is studying your smile closely, possibly looking for evidence of a false front tooth, do us a favor and play along. Help us keep her our innocent baby girl a little while longer. Thanks!

Time To Get On My Soapbox

Okay, for the most part I try not to get to political on these social websites. I mean I believe that everyone has a right to their own point of view and if they are ignorant enough not to agree with my views, well then who wants to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent anyways, right?
So, here's the thing, we are now entering day 79 of the oil spill disaster and yet NO ONE has any real ideas how to plug this thing?? I have 2 words for you: MIGHTY PUTTY, according to the infomercial it is super strong and waterproof and I figure a couple of thousand dollars worth and we're good to go.

There, one problem solved in one paragraph.

Now on to the next. I know that some people think that we should no longer drill in the Gulf of Mexico but with the unemployment rate hovering around 10% do we really want to add to that by closing all of those offshore rigs?? I mean the oil spill is already adding to the unemployment line with fishermen, guides and hotel workers etc... do you really want to add more? I didn't think so.

Woo! I think I'm on a roll!!

I also think that in the future all of the oil executives should have to sign contracts that state that if there are any oil spills by their companies that they must live in a tent on the affected beach until it is completely cleaned and he must eat nothing but oil drenched seafood and wear clothes 24 hours

a day that have been drenched in the oil to better sympathize

with the wildlife they are harming.

Another problem solved next lets move on to drilling in Alaska. Now I know that everyone is afraid of what will happen to the wildlife there so here is my plan: We give the oil companies 100,000 acres to drill on leaving the other 563,268 sq. miles to the residents, caribou, penguins and other wildlife. Now, by renting this land to the oil companies they must also agree to give 15% of their earnings towards saving wildlife, 15% to our schools, so hopefully we can get someone smart enough to make a viable safe alternative to oil, and 20% towards veterans affairs who have sacrificed their lives and time away from their families and homes to go and fight in wars to protect our rights to buy oil from greedy countries. Now, obviously this is not going to hurt the oil companies and they could write off the 50% as charitable and start to hopefully repair their reputations. Also, think of how many jobs this would create. And I think that all of the fishermen and others who have been left without an income because of the BP oil leak should get first crack at any of the Alaskan jobs that become available. Lookey there solved all of those problems in one little blog!

I Lie To My Children

Yes, you read that title right, I LIE TO MY CHILDREN, there I admitted it, I am not ashamed.....well, maybe a little ashamed. I would like to say that I only do it for their own good, but in all honesty a lot of the time it is for MY good. For example: 1.) I told Chase for years that the only way you could go to Chuck E Cheese's is if you are invited to a birthday party there. 2.) I have convinced my children that the meat and chicken they eat lived on a happy farm where they grew old and died in a green pasture surrounded by family and friends. 3.) I lied to Chase during the flu season by telling him that the McDonalds playground was under construction and therefore not available. Now I realize that Dr. Spock would not approve of my methods, but the last time I checked Old Dr. Spock has never been standing beside me when Chase is throwing a fit so loud that bystanders stop and stare waiting for his head to spin around, so my parenting style is "Do whatever works for you".
While I am confessing I should also admit I am also a fan of bribery although I am sure you won't find that in any parenting book either. Bribery got both of my kids potty trained, gets them to clean their rooms, to behave in social situations, and a lot of times bribery gets them to leave me alone while I finish something important, like a nap. I also plan to use bribery when Gracy starts to date, although I'm guessing a bag of M&M's is not going to get me very far, I may have to get a part time job between now and then to pay for all of the things I am going to promise her.
Now I am not advising anyone to follow my lead unless you are willing to pay for the therapy later. We have a college fund and a therapy fund, so I'm good!

Hi, My Name Is Pam And I Am Addicted To Technology.

So in past posts I have mentioned my addictions to TiVo and my dishwasher and the Internet but recently it has come to my attention that it goes much deeper than even that.
I just got back from a trip to Dallas and Oklahoma to visit friends and family and while I was there I started to have problems with my cell phone. It wouldn't take or receive calls, I couldn't even get on facebook to spy on my friends (the horror!!). Well, we had started home from Oklahoma with my phone not working very well, when I realized that I had no idea where we were. I am a slave to technology, I just go where the GPS tells me too. So then the crazy thoughts start to creep into my mind, what if I were to have car trouble out here in the middle of nowhere? Even if I could get my phone to work I couldn't tell anyone where I was! And if the phone didn't work and I was able to walk to a pay phone (when was the last time you saw one of those???), I couldn't call anyone because I don't even have any one's phone number memorized, my phone does that for me. It might be days before John found us on the side of the road eating tree bark and rationing the last Dr. Pepper. I'm thinking that the technology that makes our life easier has also made us dumber, not that I'm complaining or willing to give anything up. I'll take dumb and convenient over smart and hard any day!

Update, or "No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth."

So I realize that it has been almost a full year since my last post and a lot of things have happened since then. We have been in Midland for 1 year, 3 months and 2 days (but who's counting?), and things are starting to get easier. It was pretty ugly there for awhile when we were living in the apartment trying to sell our house back in Nevada, so ugly at times that I would lock myself into the bathroom with a bottle of wine and cry. I thought that I was shielding the kids from my sadness until one day they started passing me notes under the door telling me they loved me and that everything would get better. Talk about a reality check! Very soon after that I called my Dr. back home and he put me on Lexapro, or as John calls it my, "Happy Pills". HELLO SUNSHINE!! Bitter Angry Pam turned into Happy Sweet Pam and the medicine made such a difference that days before my prescription would run out John would call in the reorder himself and has even picked them up for me. You know that you were really a shrew when your husband counts yours pills to make sure that there is not a chance that you will run out! I can't say that Lexapro is a miracle drug and that I love Midland yet, but I at least can admit that I like it a little.
Now, for the children.....Gracy started another new school this past year (which makes 3 schools in one year!), which is an Arts Magnet School and she loves it. She takes the regular academic classes and then also gets to pick 2 fine art electives. She chose Choir and Piano and has excelled in both, who knew that a child of mine could actually be musically inclined!! Chase also started Pre-K this year without too much drama. The first day he cried so hard he threw up but by the third day he was asking his pretty teacher if he could have her number so they could talk later. I would love to tell you that everything went fine after that but we all know better.
John is still loving his job and loving Midland, which still ticks me off! I hate it when he's happier than me! For 17 years I have been the optimist and he the pessimist and now that the roles have changed I don't like it one bit. Hmmmm, must be time to take a pill!! :o)
Well, this could go on and on but you get the idea, things are still flat and brown and different, but time does make it easier, and throw in a new house, a couple of friends and a new puppy and, well, we're going to be alright.

Stinkin' China

So, I think I have mentioned in past blogs about the competitive nature of my children. But I am not sure that I conveyed how extreme it actually is. I mean all brothers and sisters are somewhat competitive, but mine take it way past normal. Let me give you an example:
Way back during the 2008 Summer Olympics we watched a lot of the events, swimming, gymnastics, diving etc... Well, the kids would watch and Chase being 3 at the time and not being able to read would ask us which athlete was from America and who the other athletes were and where they were from. They would cheer and jump up and down for our American athletes and really get into it. Well, after a while Chase caught on that the only other country that had more medals than we did was CHINA. He memorized their flag and the word CHINA and that's when it turned ugly. Every time he would see the word China pop up on the screen he would clench his fist and yell, "STINKIN' CHINA!!!", the first couple of times John and I would just look at each thinking, "where the heck did that come from??", and then as more of the Olympics came on we would snicker and cheer him on shaking our fists in the air right a long side of him. Boy, if we only knew what was to come.... Flash forward to his 4th birthday in November (4 months after the Olympics), there was cake and ice cream and presents and friends and it was all fun and games until everyone except my parents had left and he took a closer look at the new bicycle that MiMi and PawPaw had bought for him. He got down on his knees and checked out the tires and the pedals and that's when he saw the tag. Immediately he whipped his head around and yelled, "MiMi!! You bought me a bike from STINKIN' CHINA?!?!", my poor sweet mother explained to him that all of the bikes at the store were made from China and I ignorantly threw in that just about all toys are made in China, and thus started the inspection of all of the birthday toys and some old favorites too. It was a sad day in the life of a 4 year old boy to realize that all of his birthday presents and some of his old favorite toys too were all made by his arch nemesis "Stinkin' China".
So I am sure that most of you think this is where this story ends.....but not a chance in my world. So, we had been in Midland a while and decided to go out to eat, you guessed it Chinese. I mean it's been a year right? We were seated by the aquarium and had ordered and were enjoying a nice peaceful family dinner when one of the waiters came up to speak with the hostess.....in CHINESE! Chase whipped his head around and then stood up on the booth next to me and in that instant I knew by the look in his eye's what was about to happen. I immediately started trying to tug him back down to his seat, but it was too late. In his loud 4 year old voice he asks, "Are they speakin' the Chinese?! Why are they speakin' the Chinese??? Why don't they speaka like we do??? Don't they knew we are in Middlelan?", and then it happened, my worst fear, I saw the fist in slow motion headed high above his head, his sweet intense blue eyes locked on the poor waiter and hostess as he loudly and patriotically yelled, "STINKIN' CHINA!!!!!!!!!". I literally thought my face was going to ignite I was so red. And then I saw John across the table give Chase a smirk and a quick nod and then it was over. Chase finally ate his meal after a quick explanation that his chicken was made in the kitchen of the restaurant right here in Midland and not somewhere in China but I could still not make eye contact with any of the wait staff and have not been back there since.
Everyone, just please pray that Mexico never beats us in any of the Olympics, I can go awhile without Chinese food but I'm not giving up Mexican!!!

What Was God Thinking????

Have you ever sat back and quietly asked yourself, "What was God thinking???", like whenever you see a giraffe or a three toed sloth? Well I think that question a lot when I am looking at my children. I mean what was God thinking when he entrusted the lives of these two incredible children into my my care?? I mean lets be honest, there are plenty of stable, sane people who deserve these kids more than I do, so why me? Maybe it's because before I gave birth I was generally a stable person but something happened during the birth of my daughter. I am convinced that when my uterus began to contract it released a chemical into my body that causes extreme phobias and paranoia. As soon as she was placed pink and wiggly into my arms every stranger was looked at with suspension as possibly being a pervert or kidnapper. I was so paranoid that someone would steal her that for months I would place her in her carseat in the bathtub while I showered in our glass enclosed shower peering at her in between the shampoo and conditioner stage worried that armed robbers were going to break into the house and pass up the big screen TV and all of the electronics to kidnap my crying, infant never to be seen again. Yes people it was that bad. I also never thought in all of the years that I imagined being a mom that I would ever voluntarily stick my finger up another human beings nose, yet I have held down both of my babies to clear their airways from whatever foreign body might cause them to suffocate in their sleep. Now as they are getting older and more independent it is getting harder and harder to "cut that cord". Gracy for instance is so trusting and will ask to spend the night with one of her friends and it will be someone that I have not had a chance to do a background check on yet. I am having a hard time giving her an acceptable excuse that will not scare the bee jeesus out of her so I usually say something like, "Oh, sorry, not tonight we've got plans early in the morning" and then quickly trying to come up with plans for in the morning. When what I really want to say to her is, "Honey, we don't know them well enough and they might very well be serial killers who collect pretty little girls in their basements and if anything every happened to you I would go crazy and hurt them and then mommy would go to prison and then daddy would have to raise Chase on his own, and nobody wants that to happen right?"
Surely they make medication for this right? Or maybe I could just get a hysterectomy or a transfusion or something. Whatever the answer is it better come quick cause Gracy will be 16 in 7 years and will be expecting to drive and go out on dates. Uggg, I think I feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about it!!!