Vacation In Pam's World

Now most people go on trip's and relax and re-energize, but in my world it is never that simple.

Last week the kids and I went to Houston to visit family and my plan was to go there, throw the children at their aunt and uncle, to run upstairs lock myself in my room and rest and eat bon bons and read magazines. HA! What was I thinking??? On day two Gracy corners me in the bedroom (supposed to be my silent sanctuary), looks me straight in the eyes and asks, "Are you and daddy Santa Claus?". REALLY? Now let me set the stage for you, we are in HOUSTON, it is JULY,it is 100 degrees outside and if I wasn't already sweating enough I get THIS!! So I start fumbling my words and darting my eyes around looking for an escape, but there she stood between me and the door, her sweet eyes trusting me to tell her the truth, but instead I turned it around to, "Well, what do you think?", to which she replied, "I just want you to be honest with me." My mind raced, what would June Cleaver, Carol Brady or Clare Huxtable do?? My mind went blank, I briefly thought about stomping on her foot to buy myself some time, but ended up just looking down and sheepishly nodding. Now I won't embarrass her by detailing her full reaction (which makes me tear up just thinking about it), but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. Finally, an hour or two later when she would finally look at me again I asked how she was feeling and this is the one word answer I got, "Betrayed"......gulp, wholly canola I have truly scarred this child for life!! She will never trust me again with anything and will end up one of those girls who hates her mother.

So I promptly go into damage control about how life is hard and we just wanted her to believe in a little magic to make her childhood more fun and magical, to which I got dead silence, arms crossed, head slightly tilted to the side. So, I decided to deflect some of the heat off of me and threw John under the bus by telling her that if it were up to her daddy that we would lie to her about it until she was in college. Again, silence, look of disgust and betrayal written all over her face. I figured it was then best to hug her and walk away, so I threw my arms around her and for the first time she didn't hug me back and I think I felt my heart crack right down the middle right then and there.

The next day was filled with fun and laughter and I started thinking, maybe this is going to be okay, maybe we are passed all of that, but then night came. As she lay on my bed out of the blue she tells me she's been thinking a lot about what I had said and wants to know if that means that there is also no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny. SERIOUSLY??????? I must have just looked at her with deer in the headlights look, because the tears started again and then came the question, "Have you lied to me about anything else?",......well, yeah, haven't you read my blog? I have lies planned for the next three years, but of course I couldn't say that so I just once again deflected by pointing out that now she could be my helper in being all of those things for Chase to which she replied, " I could never betray him that way." There was that word again "betray", I'm sure I'll be hearing that one a lot in family counseling. She then proceeded to go through an inventory of every favorite gift Santa ever brought and question how they came to be. The "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer spoon when she was 4, (which I stayed up till 3 a.m. to craft), or the personalized framed autographed picture of Santa Claus and Rudolph, (which I bought from Santa Bob's ebay store), and the list goes painfully on and on.

It also doesn't help that Chase is literally on the verge of losing his first tooth and is none to happy about it. He likes his teeth the way they are and is going to keep that tooth in as long as he can. The dentist even said a month ago that if he sneezes really hard that tooth is coming out. So in the middle of every meal he would run over in a panic for me to check and make sure that his baby tooth (his favorite I am told), is still in place. And every time we would try to calm him and coax him into just pulling it out so the Tooth Fairy would come I could feel the heat of Gracy's stare of betrayal and I would cower and try not to make eye contact.

Oh, and one more thing, on the 8 hour trip home I was pulled over and given a speeding ticket and then informed by Chase that he no longer wanted to ride in the car with me because I break the law and am not safe! Woo Hoo, fun times, I'm telling ya! Guess I can scratch "Mother of the Year", off my list of long term goals huh!!

Now I don't want you to think it was a total bust. We had a great time other than the lies, betrayal and speeding ticket. Every day was filled with fun and laughter and so much spoiling from their aunt and uncle that it is going to take at least 3 or 4 weeks to reprogram the children.

Long Term Goals

So I just happened to be married to one of "those" kind of people who always wants to discuss our goals, maybe it's from all of those years he played soccer or something but he always has goals on his mind. He has a 2 yr. plan, 5 yr. plan, 10 yr. plan etc... and he likes for us to discuss them to make sure we are on the same "path" which loosely translates into, "quit spending money, your screwing up the plan!". I on the other hand, tend to be more of a tomorrow's plan kinda girl, or if I'm really feeling productive a "next week's plan", so needless to say not only are he and I not in the same "car", but I think he may be happily cruising down the highway while I am blissfully sitting at the rest-stop drinking a starbucks. But all of that is about to change. Here are some of my new long term goals:

I am looking forward to the day when I can shower without an audience. I cannot even remember the last time I was able to shower without a kid or a dog on the other side of the glass, demanding my attention. I know, most of you are thinking, "Well, duh! Lock the door!", but all mothers know that if you lock them out they will only beat on the door and with the water running you can never fully make out the screams. They might be informing you that a new episode of Spongebob is coming on, or it could be that Chase is putting his grilled cheese in the paper shredder, and I just can't take that chance.

I also look forward to the day when a family vacation does not have to include cartoon animals and sweating like a dog while you spend hours in line to ride something that is just going to make you swear in front of your children because you are so scared.

I look forward to the day when a road trip doesn't involve having to listen to the same Disney movie 3 or 4 or 5 times depending on the distance of the destination. Or that the inevitable pit-stop at McDonald's doesn't result in an all out throw down in the backseat over the Happy Meal toys.

Now short term, I hope that I accomplish one chore today that even when you see it tomorrow it still looks good. Which means it won't be the floors, the bathrooms or the kitchen.

See, that wasn't so hard. I might get into this whole "goal" thing. My next goal is to finish this blog before my "monster" wakes up demanding breakfast. Woo Hoo, can check that one of my list!

I Have Been Dreading This For 10 Years......

As my sweet baby Grace inches closer and closer to the dreaded teenage years I realize that the day that I have been terrified of is close at hand.....it is time to have..."THE TALK" (gasp, whimper, tremble)!!! Now I have been doing my research for years on the right way to proceed with this and every book, doctor and other parent has advised me to just be honest and give the facts and be matter of fact about it. Obviously, they don't know me very well at all, or they would know that saying the word "Sex" or referring to body parts with their correct terminology is never going to easily or matter of factly come out of my mouth without the help of a pitcher of margarita's and maybe an extra Lexapro. I mean I'm breaking into a sweat right now at the mere thought of having to say "those words", to my sweet innocent baby. So I have come up with a 2 step plan. It may require a few extra sessions of family therapy later on, but I'm willing to chance it.

Step One:
I'm going to inform her all of the basics and then include the following: That the first time you have sex it is extremely painful, so painful in fact that it has been known to cause temporary blindness and sometimes causes girls who are too young to pass out. I am then going to tell her a "story", of a family member who shall remain anonymous who on her first time had a front tooth spontaneously eject from her mouth poking her unsuspecting lover in the eye causing her such humiliation that she had to move to another town and change schools. Now, I know this may seem cruel and inhuman but I'm really just trying to buy some time here people. I will then ease some of her fears by telling her that the only way to not have to go through this pain and agony is by having a special magical ring blessed by a minister on her wedding day in front of her loving parents that when placed on her finger has a special anesthetic that takes away all of the horrible parts. I figure that this will buy me another good 3-4 years before the world informs her of my treachery and then I will have to go on to...

Step Two:
which is... well, the truth at which time I will have had a job for a while and be able to put my bribery plan into action with clothes, a car or a pony.

I have also been working with John to get our stories straight about how the two of us met. Instead of telling the children we met when I was 17 on Forrest Lane when I locked my keys in the car at 11:00 at night when I was on my way to the illegal street races, we are going to tell our children that we met when John was dropping off his food donation to the retirement home and saw me there reading to the blind. Now normally John would not go along with something like this but honestly he would agree to just about anything so as not to have to be the ONE giving his baby girl "The Talk", so he's playing along.

And family members, if at our next family gathering you notice that Gracy is studying your smile closely, possibly looking for evidence of a false front tooth, do us a favor and play along. Help us keep her our innocent baby girl a little while longer. Thanks!

Time To Get On My Soapbox

Okay, for the most part I try not to get to political on these social websites. I mean I believe that everyone has a right to their own point of view and if they are ignorant enough not to agree with my views, well then who wants to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent anyways, right?
So, here's the thing, we are now entering day 79 of the oil spill disaster and yet NO ONE has any real ideas how to plug this thing?? I have 2 words for you: MIGHTY PUTTY, according to the infomercial it is super strong and waterproof and I figure a couple of thousand dollars worth and we're good to go.

There, one problem solved in one paragraph.

Now on to the next. I know that some people think that we should no longer drill in the Gulf of Mexico but with the unemployment rate hovering around 10% do we really want to add to that by closing all of those offshore rigs?? I mean the oil spill is already adding to the unemployment line with fishermen, guides and hotel workers etc... do you really want to add more? I didn't think so.

Woo! I think I'm on a roll!!

I also think that in the future all of the oil executives should have to sign contracts that state that if there are any oil spills by their companies that they must live in a tent on the affected beach until it is completely cleaned and he must eat nothing but oil drenched seafood and wear clothes 24 hours

a day that have been drenched in the oil to better sympathize

with the wildlife they are harming.

Another problem solved next lets move on to drilling in Alaska. Now I know that everyone is afraid of what will happen to the wildlife there so here is my plan: We give the oil companies 100,000 acres to drill on leaving the other 563,268 sq. miles to the residents, caribou, penguins and other wildlife. Now, by renting this land to the oil companies they must also agree to give 15% of their earnings towards saving wildlife, 15% to our schools, so hopefully we can get someone smart enough to make a viable safe alternative to oil, and 20% towards veterans affairs who have sacrificed their lives and time away from their families and homes to go and fight in wars to protect our rights to buy oil from greedy countries. Now, obviously this is not going to hurt the oil companies and they could write off the 50% as charitable and start to hopefully repair their reputations. Also, think of how many jobs this would create. And I think that all of the fishermen and others who have been left without an income because of the BP oil leak should get first crack at any of the Alaskan jobs that become available. Lookey there solved all of those problems in one little blog!