Proof that God has a sense of humor...

Well, I believe it all started a few months back when I mentioned to a few friends that I could live without a lot of things but that I didn't think I could make it without the internet or my TiVo. Now I don't normally consider myself to be spoiled, I mean the majority of my wardrobe came from Target, but I'll admit that my obsession with TiVo is not normal. So here I sat in my cozy home sarcastically remarking on how horrible life was before the internet and TiVo when "BOOM!", John's company was sold. So I began to pray and I asked family and friends to pray, and we all prayed that John would find a good stable job. A few weeks into all of our praying a friend of John's calls asking him to come and interview with the company he was now working for only problem..... it's in Odessa, TX, yes the same Odessa, TX that Friday Night Lights was made after. So I started thinking, surely this couldn't be the job that we have all been praying for right? I mean Odessa is like 6 hours away from my mama, so this can't be the job. So as I was praying that night I realized something, I was not very specific in my prayers, I was praying for a job, not a job close by, not a job in the Dallas area, I was praying for just a job. So then I started to panic what if God was answering all of our prayers, what if this was the good stable job that we had been praying for? So, John scheduled the trip to Odessa and I started praying again and decided to be a lot more specific. I then sarcastically joked with friends that I was asking for a sign from God if Odessa was the plan he had for our family. I stated that if we were supposed to end up in Odessa then I wanted to see George W. Bush or a solar eclipse and then I would know that this was where we were meant to be. So off we went to Odessa and I tried to have an open mind but for those of you who have never been to Odessa let me describe it to you.....it's flat and it's brown. And it seemed that no matter where we went George Bush was on the cover or front page of something and some businesses even had there signs out welcoming him home. But I argued, this was not my sign because I did not actually see him in person. Then on returning home and having a good cry with my neighbor I told her about not seeing Bush in person and she said that she wasn't going to say anything but that France had had a solar eclipse that day, (insert panic attack here). Once again I reflected on my prayers and realized that obviously when I pray I am very vague. I did not ask to see Bush in person, nor did I pray to personally witness the eclipse, but both had happened while we were in Odessa. How do you argue with that I ask??? So, now that I have accepted that Odessa is where we are headed I have become very specific in my prayers, down to every last detail. Oh, and just for more proof that God has a sense of humor: John found out today that the apartment that we have rented faces the wrong direction, so no DirecTV, which means no TiVo, (insert ugly cry here), and as if that were not horrible enough, the tiny refrigerator that the apartment provides does not come with an ice maker.......yes, people, I will have to manually crack ice trays!!! The HORROR! So the lesson to be learned here is: Be careful, God will answer your prayers so be specific and maybe a little less sarcastic.

Tivo saved my marriage...

So let me start this out by saying that those of you who read this that do not have TiVo, will never understand this, but those of you who do are probably nodding your head in agreement even as you read the title. TiVo is one luxury that you don't know you're missing until you have one, but once you own one, it owns you!! I love TiVo, there I said it, I'm not ashamed. I TiVo shows every single day and no longer have to worry about whether or not the Hallmark movie I was looking forward to happens to be on at the same time as the big game, I just sit back knowing that tonight while everyone else is sleeping I will be bawling in my living room watching my previously TiVo'd Hallmark movie and skipping through all of the commercials. It is also great for cranky toddlers who do not want to go to Walmart and chance missing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that is scheduled to come on. I just push a few buttons on the remote and off we go. Another bonus is that you can rewind live TV. So no more having to hold it to go to the bathroom until a commercial comes on, now you just go and rewind whatever you missed. We have all become so spoiled to this that we forget that we only have TiVo on 2 of our TVs and I have caught myself searching for the rewind button on a regular remote. You know kinda like when the electricity goes off and you still flip the light switch on then you look around to see if anyone noticed what an idiot you are. I have come to realize that TiVo is crack for stay at home moms. And yes, I am addicted. I have told John that I realize that the economy is bad and that we need to cut back and I am totally willing to cook at home more and clip coupons and use generic sandwich baggies just don't make me give up my TiVo!! But as always, I have a plan, I have found lots and lots of John's things that I can sell on Ebay if I have to to pay for my habit. And besides, it's good for the family and cheaper than therapy!

Chickenbone the rockstar, racecar driver, superhero

So have I ever mentioned that I have THE most competitive children in the entire world. I mean I even think that Chickenbone was born 7 weeks early just so that he could beat his cousin here because they both had the same due date. Those who are around us often know that I do not exaggerate where he is concerned. I'll give you a few examples. He HAS to be the first one to enter the house, he HAS to be the first one to put his seat belt on or take his seat belt off, he Has to be the first one to get cereal in the mornings and anything can be made into a competition that only he can win. Now when one of the above listed items does not go according to his plan an all out temper tantrum throw down occurs. It is so bad that even Goose who herself is extremely competitive would rather come in second than have to witness the tantrum. Even in the car he is in the backseat calling out to me, "Momma, why is that car in front of us? Why are they winning? Go faster Momma, faster, go around them Mom, we can win, hurry!!!", and I will actually find myself speeding up and taking the challenge from my crew chief shouting orders from his car seat in the back. I find myself gripping the steering wheel and weaving in and out of traffic until my senses finally return and I realize that I am taking orders from a 4 year old. God help us when HE is the one doing the driving....

Do Fish Sneeze?

So yesterday we went out to Red Lobster for lunch and happened to be seated right next to a rather large aquarium, which when you think of it is pretty sick. I mean it would be like having a cow stabled next to your booth at a steak house. Alas, I digress...... So there we sat waiting for our meals when Gracy asks, "Mom, do fish sneeze?". Now normally I would just tell her to go and ask her dad but since he was sitting across from me snickering with a snide look on his face that option was obviously out so I just went with my old stand by, "I'm not sure, we'll have to look that up on the internet when we get home". Which got me to thinking, how in the world did our mothers ever raise us without the internet??? I am constantly getting online to answer questions, or find recipes or get ideas or to entertain the kids with a game. Our mothers never had that option. Which lead to a whole line of thinking down a really dark path that sends shivers down my spine even as I write this. Imagine your life without: a microwave, a dishwasher, the Disney channel, disposable diapers, hand sanitizer or steady yourself now.......PAPER TOWELS!!! Gasp! Shudder! Whimper! I honestly never imagined a world without paper towels until my mother mentioned it. I guess in my feeble little mind I just assumed that they were always around. Like Noah had them on the Ark to clean up after all of the animals, or that the cavemen used Bounty to help clean and sanitize the cave. How our mothers ever survived us is beyond me, but every time you use your dishwasher, or your microwave or a sheet of Bounty, call your mother and tell her that you love her. She deserves it! Oh, and by the way....fish can't sneeze because they don't have a respiratory system but they can cough when they get sand or gravel stuck in their gills. Now go call your mother.

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe......

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am soooo sick of all of this presidential stuff. Everytime you turn on the TV you are bombarded with attack ads on who's going to raise your taxes (umm, both), or who did what to whom back in 1972 while smoking a joint wearing fishnet pantyhose, okay, I haven't actually seen an ad like that on TV but I bet someone has created it on Youtube already. Lets face it, the Democrats hate the Republicans, the Republicans hate the Democrats there I said it. But I think I may have come up with the solution. Since we are a country based on democracy I think instead of having one President we should set it up like the Supreme Court. We'll divide the country up into 4 equal parts, (North, South, East and West), and each section will be allowed to vote in one Republican and one Democrat then we will send them all to live in the White House together just like in the show Big Brother. There will be challenges to see who gets to sleep where and who gets to sit at the head of the table, who gets to sit next to the "button" etc...Then whenever something really big comes up we'll lock them in a room and have them argue amongst themselves to come up with the best solution then take a vote. Majority rules. Now after the vote if they are evenly divided I think the Republicans should pick one person to represent them and the Democrats should do the same and we should have a political celebrity cage death match. Now the Republicans might have a slight advantage here as they would probably choose Arnold Schwarzenegger unless of course the Yankees picked Hillary then they'd be screwed!! Honestly, we could kill two birds with one stone here. I'd pay good money to see the Pay Per View Political Death-match on TV, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Think of the money that could go towards the deficit from watch parties and the high dollars companies would pay to advertise during the death-match between "EVERYDAY AVERAGE JUST LIKE YOU JOE BIDEN vs. SARAH THE PIT BULL PALIN!" Surely I am not the only one who would love to see 2 politicians beating the snot out of each other right?

Attention all car makers.....

I think that if you really want to make a car that women will flock to, then you need to have real moms involved on the design team, and I'm not talking about "Jane Executive", who works 60 hours a week while the nanny takes care of the kids. I'm talking about stay at home moms of multiple kids who are constantly having to shuttle the kids around from activity to activity in the "Mom Taxi". I myself have a few ideas for GM and Ford. First I'd really like for them to make a mini-van that has a remote control partition to separate the front seats from the back. You know just like they have in the limos. That way when the Gracy and Chase start fighting, I could just hit the button and enjoy the peace and quiet. This would also mean that I could listen to real music and not the kiddie tunes that I am forced to listen to now. Now, if you want to make it even better you could add a "tint" button that would also darken the partition so as to make the backseat not visible to the front and vice versa, this would serve a duel purpose as I would not then be able to see as Chase finger paints his window with chocolate milk or to have to watch as Gracy tries to put on her lip gloss without the benefit of a mirror only to look like Lisa Rinna is sitting in my backseat, but also to shield the children when some idiot cuts me off and I am forced to scream and use creative hand gestures to convey my displeasure with their inadequate driving skills. I would drive a pea green Yugo mini-van if they made my partition standard on their vehicles. Second, I'd like for the cars to have tear-away covers for the back seats, like they have tear away sheets on the windshields of race cars. That way when John asks me to drive his mom somewhere, I could just walk out to the car and tear away one the sheets covering the backseat instead of trying to figure out the best way to get Froot Loops off of the upholstery without having to use scissors or a blow torch, or how to cover up the melted crayon with a hotwheels car tire stuck to it. Last, I would like navigation for real women, with someone other than the condescending female voice trying to tell me where to go......"Proceed North for .08 miles", SERIOUSLY??? If I knew which direction North was would I need navigation???? I want to hear someone like Sam Elliott giving directions like this: "Darlin' turn like your going to Stone Briar Mall, drive for 10 minutes then at the 3rd stop light turn right, now be careful when you turn and distract the toddler in the backseat as a sign for Chuckie Cheese's is going to be on your left, good job, I knew you could do it because you are the smartest most beautiful woman I know and I think you deserve a treat, there's a Starbucks on the right, hit the button to put up the partition and go get yourself a Frappuccino ." Yes, this would be the ultimate Mom Taxi. Oh, and if you could add a mini fridge and a dustbuster, that would be great too!

Character Wittnesses

Have you ever thought about who'd you want as your character witness? Surely, I'm not the only one who ever thinks of these things right? I mean I don't ever plan on breaking any laws, but I just like to think of myself as "prepared". If I am ever arrested I figure it will be because of road rage, or because of sale gone terribly wrong at the mall, or if someone does something to my kids. I mean I like to think of myself as pretty reasonable, but if you touch my kids I'll jump on you like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew and if that happens I want to have my character witnesses lined up. Diane, friend since 3rd grade, not only knows to much but has the photos to prove it. Cindy, my friend since the 6th grade immediately has to be crossed off of my list, she hates confrontation, so the first time a prosecutor questioned her she fold like an old metal lawn chair. And Lisa would be no help as she would probably be sitting in the seat next to me on trial as my accomplice. And so goes my list slowly dwindling, looks like I better stay out of trouble or make some new friends.