West Texas Friends Are Hard To Come By......

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of sweet caring considerate women out here that I have met and had a chance to hang out with, and a few that I have started to get close but then they escape, I mean move and leave me here to start over again. I just haven't had any luck finding those one or two women that you feel like you have known your whole life and whom you really connect with. I'm talking about the kind of friend that you could call at any time of the day or night to bail you out of jail. Now, I would like for it to be noted that I have not personally been in jail myself nor do I plan too, but having already had my identity stolen once I am just waiting for someone to take my name and knock of a liquor store or steal the Hope Diamond.

I think that part of my problem is that it has been so long since I have had to try and make friends that I have forgotten how it's done. I mean it used to be soooo easy, the teacher would sit you next to someone, you would show them how super cool you could draw unicorns, you borrow each others Guess jeans and "POOF!" you had yourself a friend for life. But now to my horror I find my self acting like the puppy at the pound whenever I am around a group of women willing them with my sad puppy dog eyes saying, "Pick me, pick me! I won't pee on your carpet or steal your bone! I'll be good and loyal and always have your back" or something pathetic like that. And I wonder how I came to be in this place where at 40 years old I am trying to convince people that I would be worth the time and trouble to bail out. And I get why it is so hard because the women out here already have best friends, people they have known for years, people who know their secrets and their faults and love them anyways and as a new person it is going to be a lot of work to be my best friend, there's 40 years of history to learn, and a husband and kids to get to know, and then there is my sense of humor which at it's best is sarcastic and sick so opening yourself up to making new friends is hard work, I get it.

It also makes me reflect on what type of friend I might have been back in Nevada. Was I open and inviting to new people or was I just so comfortable in the friendships I had that I maybe didn't include or embrace new friends who needed me? Did I pay enough attention to the people around me to even know when someone was in need of a kind word or gesture? I can honestly answer that I'm not sure I would have noticed, or would have taken the time or made the effort and that is not the kind of person/friend that I want to be. I am trying to use this time in my life to step out of my comfort zone and change the things about myself that I feel God would like for me to improve on, so pray for me to quit being the pathetic puppy and to start being confident and patient, and know that God has a plan for me. Oh and that I need to be on my best behavior and stay out of jail until God sends me "that friend"!!

Date Night In West Texas....

So as most parents know whenever the opportunity is presented to get out alone with your spouse most of us will do just about anything to make it happen. So when John called last week and said that I needed to get a babysitter because he and I were expected to be at the Andrews Chamber of Commerce dinner, I jumped at the idea of actually spending an evening conversing with adults and sharing a meal that did not involve clowns or toys or germ infested indoor playgrounds. Date night started well with my loving hubby opening doors and chit chatting, reminiscing about date nights past and how things have changed....Oh how things have changed. We arrived at the dinner just as the buffet line was opened (great timing on our part), so we grabbed a plate of bbq and found our seats. All was going well until an older man in a cowboy hat stood at the podium to present a citizenship award. Halfway into his second sentence he stuttered twice, grabbed his chest and started to sway, three men jumped up to steady him to which he then returned to the mic and stated that at least he now knew that his defibrillator was working and he continued his 10 minute presentation to introduce the winner of the award!!! No ambulance, no glass of water, no chair, he just wiped the sweat from his brow placed the cowboy hat back on his head and continued on. I was already reliving every episode of Grey's Anatomy and ER that I had ever watched in case I was called on to give CPR or perform heart surgery or something. But while I was lost in my medical drama thoughts I heard this cowboy describing the award winner as a man who had arrived in Andrews 85 years ago in a covered wagon had married his sweetheart and had lived happily with her until she died in May of 1981, then in August of 1981 he married his Sister-in-law.....what a minute.....what? I leaned over to John and whispered, "did he just say he married his dead wife's sister 3 months after the "love of his life died"????". REALLY?!? John gave me the "look" as in, "do not channel this man's dead wife and make a scene by giving this 96 year old man dirty looks across the crowd." I mean I know these things happen but is that something I really want to know about someone receiving an award? Does it make me think more of him or less of him....I'm gonna say less. I cannot even tell you what else defibrillator cowboy and then the award winner got up to receive his award and shuffled his way to the podium where he proceeded to grab the mic and go into a monologue of a day in his life when he was 6 years old that took (and I am not exaggerating here), 15 minutes. I cannot tell you what the rambling story was about except that it involved a crank ford, gasoline and a huge fire. Finally when that was over the evenings entertainment took the stage, finally a distraction that did not include death or betrayal and then she approached the mic, opened up her mouth and...YODELED! Yes our entertainment of the night was none other than the National Champion Yodeler all the way from New Mexico. She only got half a yodel out when my dear husband grabbed my purse and my hand and led/dragged me out the door. We laughed all the way to the car to which he opened my door, kissed me and promised me that if I died he would never marry my sister. Which would have been really creepy and sweet except that I don't have any sisters. Nice try Hunny!
Next date night I get to pick!

As the 2 Year Anniversary Approaches.....

Last week as John and I were talking to someone at his work they asked how long we have lived here in Midland to which I replied, "A little over a year", while at the same time John replied, "2 years". I started to correct him on that until I did the math in my head and realized that he was right! March will make 2 years that we have lived here and I have to admit that for some reason that makes me queasy...not that I am not liking it more here, but somehow I feel like I have lost a whole year of my life somehow while living here. I like the idea of telling people that we are new to Midland or "not from here", but now I guess I am from here. *gulp* I have come a long way from when we first moved here I no longer lock myself in the closet with a bottle of wine, or pretend that Oprah and Ellen are the only ones who really understand me, I am no longer angry everyday when John has a good day at work because I secretly wanted him to be as miserable as I was. I have given up trying to force people to be friends with me and now pray that God will just send a friend to knock on my door. I will admit that the school that the kids go to is like nothing back home and that they have opportunities here that they would never have back there, but it is so bitter sweet to read on Facebook how all of Gracy's old friends are still hanging out together and so close, knowing that Gracy will enter into middle school next year without the support of close friends. I picture her alone at the lunch table wearing too much dark eyeliner and black lipstick listening to Nirvana or Marilyn Manson. Oh gosh, I feel a panic attack coming on....I think I hear the bottle of wine in the fridge and the closet calling my name!!!

Forty and .......crud, I forgot....

Tonight on the eve of my 40th birthday I am forced to examine where I have been and what I have become.
My first decade I lived carefree and fun thinking that I could do or be anything I could imagine.
My second decade was mostly spent trying to get through the days without embarrassing myself at school and thinking that I would live forever and conquer the world.
Most of my third decade was spent being a wife and praying and begging God for a baby of our own wanting more than anything to just be a mom.
My fourth decade God answered my prayer, (in his own time)and blessed us with two great children whom I am convinced can do and be anything in the world that they can imagine.
Now as I am entering my fifth decade I find that many things have changed.
I find myself less concerned about how others see me and more how my family sees me.
I find that style is uncomfortable and over-rated and instead opt for comfort and wrinkle free.
I find that having a handful of "real" friends easily outweighs the idea of having a collection of "sometime" friends.
I now know the importance of spending my life married to a man who still makes me laugh, still makes my heart skip a beat, and knows all of my faults and loves me anyways.
And I find that I contemplate more what I can do in my lifetime to make a difference while I am here.
Most importantly I find that I now try to make decisions that I think will make God happy instead of all of those years when I prayed that God would make me happy.

Vacation In Pam's World

Now most people go on trip's and relax and re-energize, but in my world it is never that simple.

Last week the kids and I went to Houston to visit family and my plan was to go there, throw the children at their aunt and uncle, to run upstairs lock myself in my room and rest and eat bon bons and read magazines. HA! What was I thinking??? On day two Gracy corners me in the bedroom (supposed to be my silent sanctuary), looks me straight in the eyes and asks, "Are you and daddy Santa Claus?". REALLY? Now let me set the stage for you, we are in HOUSTON, it is JULY,it is 100 degrees outside and if I wasn't already sweating enough I get THIS!! So I start fumbling my words and darting my eyes around looking for an escape, but there she stood between me and the door, her sweet eyes trusting me to tell her the truth, but instead I turned it around to, "Well, what do you think?", to which she replied, "I just want you to be honest with me." My mind raced, what would June Cleaver, Carol Brady or Clare Huxtable do?? My mind went blank, I briefly thought about stomping on her foot to buy myself some time, but ended up just looking down and sheepishly nodding. Now I won't embarrass her by detailing her full reaction (which makes me tear up just thinking about it), but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. Finally, an hour or two later when she would finally look at me again I asked how she was feeling and this is the one word answer I got, "Betrayed"......gulp, wholly canola I have truly scarred this child for life!! She will never trust me again with anything and will end up one of those girls who hates her mother.

So I promptly go into damage control about how life is hard and we just wanted her to believe in a little magic to make her childhood more fun and magical, to which I got dead silence, arms crossed, head slightly tilted to the side. So, I decided to deflect some of the heat off of me and threw John under the bus by telling her that if it were up to her daddy that we would lie to her about it until she was in college. Again, silence, look of disgust and betrayal written all over her face. I figured it was then best to hug her and walk away, so I threw my arms around her and for the first time she didn't hug me back and I think I felt my heart crack right down the middle right then and there.

The next day was filled with fun and laughter and I started thinking, maybe this is going to be okay, maybe we are passed all of that, but then night came. As she lay on my bed out of the blue she tells me she's been thinking a lot about what I had said and wants to know if that means that there is also no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny. SERIOUSLY??????? I must have just looked at her with deer in the headlights look, because the tears started again and then came the question, "Have you lied to me about anything else?",......well, yeah, haven't you read my blog? I have lies planned for the next three years, but of course I couldn't say that so I just once again deflected by pointing out that now she could be my helper in being all of those things for Chase to which she replied, " I could never betray him that way." There was that word again "betray", I'm sure I'll be hearing that one a lot in family counseling. She then proceeded to go through an inventory of every favorite gift Santa ever brought and question how they came to be. The "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer spoon when she was 4, (which I stayed up till 3 a.m. to craft), or the personalized framed autographed picture of Santa Claus and Rudolph, (which I bought from Santa Bob's ebay store), and the list goes painfully on and on.

It also doesn't help that Chase is literally on the verge of losing his first tooth and is none to happy about it. He likes his teeth the way they are and is going to keep that tooth in as long as he can. The dentist even said a month ago that if he sneezes really hard that tooth is coming out. So in the middle of every meal he would run over in a panic for me to check and make sure that his baby tooth (his favorite I am told), is still in place. And every time we would try to calm him and coax him into just pulling it out so the Tooth Fairy would come I could feel the heat of Gracy's stare of betrayal and I would cower and try not to make eye contact.

Oh, and one more thing, on the 8 hour trip home I was pulled over and given a speeding ticket and then informed by Chase that he no longer wanted to ride in the car with me because I break the law and am not safe! Woo Hoo, fun times, I'm telling ya! Guess I can scratch "Mother of the Year", off my list of long term goals huh!!

Now I don't want you to think it was a total bust. We had a great time other than the lies, betrayal and speeding ticket. Every day was filled with fun and laughter and so much spoiling from their aunt and uncle that it is going to take at least 3 or 4 weeks to reprogram the children.

Long Term Goals

So I just happened to be married to one of "those" kind of people who always wants to discuss our goals, maybe it's from all of those years he played soccer or something but he always has goals on his mind. He has a 2 yr. plan, 5 yr. plan, 10 yr. plan etc... and he likes for us to discuss them to make sure we are on the same "path" which loosely translates into, "quit spending money, your screwing up the plan!". I on the other hand, tend to be more of a tomorrow's plan kinda girl, or if I'm really feeling productive a "next week's plan", so needless to say not only are he and I not in the same "car", but I think he may be happily cruising down the highway while I am blissfully sitting at the rest-stop drinking a starbucks. But all of that is about to change. Here are some of my new long term goals:

I am looking forward to the day when I can shower without an audience. I cannot even remember the last time I was able to shower without a kid or a dog on the other side of the glass, demanding my attention. I know, most of you are thinking, "Well, duh! Lock the door!", but all mothers know that if you lock them out they will only beat on the door and with the water running you can never fully make out the screams. They might be informing you that a new episode of Spongebob is coming on, or it could be that Chase is putting his grilled cheese in the paper shredder, and I just can't take that chance.

I also look forward to the day when a family vacation does not have to include cartoon animals and sweating like a dog while you spend hours in line to ride something that is just going to make you swear in front of your children because you are so scared.

I look forward to the day when a road trip doesn't involve having to listen to the same Disney movie 3 or 4 or 5 times depending on the distance of the destination. Or that the inevitable pit-stop at McDonald's doesn't result in an all out throw down in the backseat over the Happy Meal toys.

Now short term, I hope that I accomplish one chore today that even when you see it tomorrow it still looks good. Which means it won't be the floors, the bathrooms or the kitchen.

See, that wasn't so hard. I might get into this whole "goal" thing. My next goal is to finish this blog before my "monster" wakes up demanding breakfast. Woo Hoo, can check that one of my list!

I Have Been Dreading This For 10 Years......

As my sweet baby Grace inches closer and closer to the dreaded teenage years I realize that the day that I have been terrified of is close at hand.....it is time to have..."THE TALK" (gasp, whimper, tremble)!!! Now I have been doing my research for years on the right way to proceed with this and every book, doctor and other parent has advised me to just be honest and give the facts and be matter of fact about it. Obviously, they don't know me very well at all, or they would know that saying the word "Sex" or referring to body parts with their correct terminology is never going to easily or matter of factly come out of my mouth without the help of a pitcher of margarita's and maybe an extra Lexapro. I mean I'm breaking into a sweat right now at the mere thought of having to say "those words", to my sweet innocent baby. So I have come up with a 2 step plan. It may require a few extra sessions of family therapy later on, but I'm willing to chance it.

Step One:
I'm going to inform her all of the basics and then include the following: That the first time you have sex it is extremely painful, so painful in fact that it has been known to cause temporary blindness and sometimes causes girls who are too young to pass out. I am then going to tell her a "story", of a family member who shall remain anonymous who on her first time had a front tooth spontaneously eject from her mouth poking her unsuspecting lover in the eye causing her such humiliation that she had to move to another town and change schools. Now, I know this may seem cruel and inhuman but I'm really just trying to buy some time here people. I will then ease some of her fears by telling her that the only way to not have to go through this pain and agony is by having a special magical ring blessed by a minister on her wedding day in front of her loving parents that when placed on her finger has a special anesthetic that takes away all of the horrible parts. I figure that this will buy me another good 3-4 years before the world informs her of my treachery and then I will have to go on to...

Step Two:
which is... well, the truth at which time I will have had a job for a while and be able to put my bribery plan into action with clothes, a car or a pony.

I have also been working with John to get our stories straight about how the two of us met. Instead of telling the children we met when I was 17 on Forrest Lane when I locked my keys in the car at 11:00 at night when I was on my way to the illegal street races, we are going to tell our children that we met when John was dropping off his food donation to the retirement home and saw me there reading to the blind. Now normally John would not go along with something like this but honestly he would agree to just about anything so as not to have to be the ONE giving his baby girl "The Talk", so he's playing along.

And family members, if at our next family gathering you notice that Gracy is studying your smile closely, possibly looking for evidence of a false front tooth, do us a favor and play along. Help us keep her our innocent baby girl a little while longer. Thanks!

Time To Get On My Soapbox

Okay, for the most part I try not to get to political on these social websites. I mean I believe that everyone has a right to their own point of view and if they are ignorant enough not to agree with my views, well then who wants to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent anyways, right?
So, here's the thing, we are now entering day 79 of the oil spill disaster and yet NO ONE has any real ideas how to plug this thing?? I have 2 words for you: MIGHTY PUTTY, according to the infomercial it is super strong and waterproof and I figure a couple of thousand dollars worth and we're good to go.

There, one problem solved in one paragraph.

Now on to the next. I know that some people think that we should no longer drill in the Gulf of Mexico but with the unemployment rate hovering around 10% do we really want to add to that by closing all of those offshore rigs?? I mean the oil spill is already adding to the unemployment line with fishermen, guides and hotel workers etc... do you really want to add more? I didn't think so.

Woo! I think I'm on a roll!!

I also think that in the future all of the oil executives should have to sign contracts that state that if there are any oil spills by their companies that they must live in a tent on the affected beach until it is completely cleaned and he must eat nothing but oil drenched seafood and wear clothes 24 hours

a day that have been drenched in the oil to better sympathize

with the wildlife they are harming.

Another problem solved next lets move on to drilling in Alaska. Now I know that everyone is afraid of what will happen to the wildlife there so here is my plan: We give the oil companies 100,000 acres to drill on leaving the other 563,268 sq. miles to the residents, caribou, penguins and other wildlife. Now, by renting this land to the oil companies they must also agree to give 15% of their earnings towards saving wildlife, 15% to our schools, so hopefully we can get someone smart enough to make a viable safe alternative to oil, and 20% towards veterans affairs who have sacrificed their lives and time away from their families and homes to go and fight in wars to protect our rights to buy oil from greedy countries. Now, obviously this is not going to hurt the oil companies and they could write off the 50% as charitable and start to hopefully repair their reputations. Also, think of how many jobs this would create. And I think that all of the fishermen and others who have been left without an income because of the BP oil leak should get first crack at any of the Alaskan jobs that become available. Lookey there solved all of those problems in one little blog!

I Lie To My Children

Yes, you read that title right, I LIE TO MY CHILDREN, there I admitted it, I am not ashamed.....well, maybe a little ashamed. I would like to say that I only do it for their own good, but in all honesty a lot of the time it is for MY good. For example: 1.) I told Chase for years that the only way you could go to Chuck E Cheese's is if you are invited to a birthday party there. 2.) I have convinced my children that the meat and chicken they eat lived on a happy farm where they grew old and died in a green pasture surrounded by family and friends. 3.) I lied to Chase during the flu season by telling him that the McDonalds playground was under construction and therefore not available. Now I realize that Dr. Spock would not approve of my methods, but the last time I checked Old Dr. Spock has never been standing beside me when Chase is throwing a fit so loud that bystanders stop and stare waiting for his head to spin around, so my parenting style is "Do whatever works for you".
While I am confessing I should also admit I am also a fan of bribery although I am sure you won't find that in any parenting book either. Bribery got both of my kids potty trained, gets them to clean their rooms, to behave in social situations, and a lot of times bribery gets them to leave me alone while I finish something important, like a nap. I also plan to use bribery when Gracy starts to date, although I'm guessing a bag of M&M's is not going to get me very far, I may have to get a part time job between now and then to pay for all of the things I am going to promise her.
Now I am not advising anyone to follow my lead unless you are willing to pay for the therapy later. We have a college fund and a therapy fund, so I'm good!

Hi, My Name Is Pam And I Am Addicted To Technology.

So in past posts I have mentioned my addictions to TiVo and my dishwasher and the Internet but recently it has come to my attention that it goes much deeper than even that.
I just got back from a trip to Dallas and Oklahoma to visit friends and family and while I was there I started to have problems with my cell phone. It wouldn't take or receive calls, I couldn't even get on facebook to spy on my friends (the horror!!). Well, we had started home from Oklahoma with my phone not working very well, when I realized that I had no idea where we were. I am a slave to technology, I just go where the GPS tells me too. So then the crazy thoughts start to creep into my mind, what if I were to have car trouble out here in the middle of nowhere? Even if I could get my phone to work I couldn't tell anyone where I was! And if the phone didn't work and I was able to walk to a pay phone (when was the last time you saw one of those???), I couldn't call anyone because I don't even have any one's phone number memorized, my phone does that for me. It might be days before John found us on the side of the road eating tree bark and rationing the last Dr. Pepper. I'm thinking that the technology that makes our life easier has also made us dumber, not that I'm complaining or willing to give anything up. I'll take dumb and convenient over smart and hard any day!

Update, or "No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth."

So I realize that it has been almost a full year since my last post and a lot of things have happened since then. We have been in Midland for 1 year, 3 months and 2 days (but who's counting?), and things are starting to get easier. It was pretty ugly there for awhile when we were living in the apartment trying to sell our house back in Nevada, so ugly at times that I would lock myself into the bathroom with a bottle of wine and cry. I thought that I was shielding the kids from my sadness until one day they started passing me notes under the door telling me they loved me and that everything would get better. Talk about a reality check! Very soon after that I called my Dr. back home and he put me on Lexapro, or as John calls it my, "Happy Pills". HELLO SUNSHINE!! Bitter Angry Pam turned into Happy Sweet Pam and the medicine made such a difference that days before my prescription would run out John would call in the reorder himself and has even picked them up for me. You know that you were really a shrew when your husband counts yours pills to make sure that there is not a chance that you will run out! I can't say that Lexapro is a miracle drug and that I love Midland yet, but I at least can admit that I like it a little.
Now, for the children.....Gracy started another new school this past year (which makes 3 schools in one year!), which is an Arts Magnet School and she loves it. She takes the regular academic classes and then also gets to pick 2 fine art electives. She chose Choir and Piano and has excelled in both, who knew that a child of mine could actually be musically inclined!! Chase also started Pre-K this year without too much drama. The first day he cried so hard he threw up but by the third day he was asking his pretty teacher if he could have her number so they could talk later. I would love to tell you that everything went fine after that but we all know better.
John is still loving his job and loving Midland, which still ticks me off! I hate it when he's happier than me! For 17 years I have been the optimist and he the pessimist and now that the roles have changed I don't like it one bit. Hmmmm, must be time to take a pill!! :o)
Well, this could go on and on but you get the idea, things are still flat and brown and different, but time does make it easier, and throw in a new house, a couple of friends and a new puppy and, well, we're going to be alright.

Stinkin' China

So, I think I have mentioned in past blogs about the competitive nature of my children. But I am not sure that I conveyed how extreme it actually is. I mean all brothers and sisters are somewhat competitive, but mine take it way past normal. Let me give you an example:
Way back during the 2008 Summer Olympics we watched a lot of the events, swimming, gymnastics, diving etc... Well, the kids would watch and Chase being 3 at the time and not being able to read would ask us which athlete was from America and who the other athletes were and where they were from. They would cheer and jump up and down for our American athletes and really get into it. Well, after a while Chase caught on that the only other country that had more medals than we did was CHINA. He memorized their flag and the word CHINA and that's when it turned ugly. Every time he would see the word China pop up on the screen he would clench his fist and yell, "STINKIN' CHINA!!!", the first couple of times John and I would just look at each thinking, "where the heck did that come from??", and then as more of the Olympics came on we would snicker and cheer him on shaking our fists in the air right a long side of him. Boy, if we only knew what was to come.... Flash forward to his 4th birthday in November (4 months after the Olympics), there was cake and ice cream and presents and friends and it was all fun and games until everyone except my parents had left and he took a closer look at the new bicycle that MiMi and PawPaw had bought for him. He got down on his knees and checked out the tires and the pedals and that's when he saw the tag. Immediately he whipped his head around and yelled, "MiMi!! You bought me a bike from STINKIN' CHINA?!?!", my poor sweet mother explained to him that all of the bikes at the store were made from China and I ignorantly threw in that just about all toys are made in China, and thus started the inspection of all of the birthday toys and some old favorites too. It was a sad day in the life of a 4 year old boy to realize that all of his birthday presents and some of his old favorite toys too were all made by his arch nemesis "Stinkin' China".
So I am sure that most of you think this is where this story ends.....but not a chance in my world. So, we had been in Midland a while and decided to go out to eat, you guessed it Chinese. I mean it's been a year right? We were seated by the aquarium and had ordered and were enjoying a nice peaceful family dinner when one of the waiters came up to speak with the hostess.....in CHINESE! Chase whipped his head around and then stood up on the booth next to me and in that instant I knew by the look in his eye's what was about to happen. I immediately started trying to tug him back down to his seat, but it was too late. In his loud 4 year old voice he asks, "Are they speakin' the Chinese?! Why are they speakin' the Chinese??? Why don't they speaka like we do??? Don't they knew we are in Middlelan?", and then it happened, my worst fear, I saw the fist in slow motion headed high above his head, his sweet intense blue eyes locked on the poor waiter and hostess as he loudly and patriotically yelled, "STINKIN' CHINA!!!!!!!!!". I literally thought my face was going to ignite I was so red. And then I saw John across the table give Chase a smirk and a quick nod and then it was over. Chase finally ate his meal after a quick explanation that his chicken was made in the kitchen of the restaurant right here in Midland and not somewhere in China but I could still not make eye contact with any of the wait staff and have not been back there since.
Everyone, just please pray that Mexico never beats us in any of the Olympics, I can go awhile without Chinese food but I'm not giving up Mexican!!!

What Was God Thinking????

Have you ever sat back and quietly asked yourself, "What was God thinking???", like whenever you see a giraffe or a three toed sloth? Well I think that question a lot when I am looking at my children. I mean what was God thinking when he entrusted the lives of these two incredible children into my my care?? I mean lets be honest, there are plenty of stable, sane people who deserve these kids more than I do, so why me? Maybe it's because before I gave birth I was generally a stable person but something happened during the birth of my daughter. I am convinced that when my uterus began to contract it released a chemical into my body that causes extreme phobias and paranoia. As soon as she was placed pink and wiggly into my arms every stranger was looked at with suspension as possibly being a pervert or kidnapper. I was so paranoid that someone would steal her that for months I would place her in her carseat in the bathtub while I showered in our glass enclosed shower peering at her in between the shampoo and conditioner stage worried that armed robbers were going to break into the house and pass up the big screen TV and all of the electronics to kidnap my crying, infant never to be seen again. Yes people it was that bad. I also never thought in all of the years that I imagined being a mom that I would ever voluntarily stick my finger up another human beings nose, yet I have held down both of my babies to clear their airways from whatever foreign body might cause them to suffocate in their sleep. Now as they are getting older and more independent it is getting harder and harder to "cut that cord". Gracy for instance is so trusting and will ask to spend the night with one of her friends and it will be someone that I have not had a chance to do a background check on yet. I am having a hard time giving her an acceptable excuse that will not scare the bee jeesus out of her so I usually say something like, "Oh, sorry, not tonight we've got plans early in the morning" and then quickly trying to come up with plans for in the morning. When what I really want to say to her is, "Honey, we don't know them well enough and they might very well be serial killers who collect pretty little girls in their basements and if anything every happened to you I would go crazy and hurt them and then mommy would go to prison and then daddy would have to raise Chase on his own, and nobody wants that to happen right?"
Surely they make medication for this right? Or maybe I could just get a hysterectomy or a transfusion or something. Whatever the answer is it better come quick cause Gracy will be 16 in 7 years and will be expecting to drive and go out on dates. Uggg, I think I feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about it!!!

A few of the things I never thought I would miss...

So obviously I miss my family and my friends, that's not what this post is about. This post is about all of those things that you take for granted until they are gone. Such as: I miss my under-mount deep stainless steel sink. The apartment has a tiny shallow little sink that whenever you turn the faucet on hits the bottom and splashes out like Niagara Falls all over your clothes and the floor. I miss my ice maker that I never fully appreciated, it was always there for me ice bucket full, ready anytime I had a beverage that needed cooling off. I miss my garden tub that quite possibly holds three times the water that the one in my apartment does. I miss my full sized hot water heater. The apartment has a half sized one which means that every time I am in the shower decisions have to be made because I don't have enough hot water to both wash my hair and shave my legs. So now when John starts complaining at night that the stubble on my legs is velcro'd to the hair on his I tell him, "suck it up, we're all having to make sacrifices here!!!" Besides, I'm trying to make friends here and I don't want to be known as the "Greasy Haired One", at least for now I can wear jeans to cover up my Sasquatch legs. I miss my washing machine, remember the one I always complained about because it wasn't shiny and new. Well the tiny washing machine here does not have a place to put fabric softener in, you are just supposed to pour it in during the rinse cycle.....SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I have ADHD. Half of the time I don't even remember putting clothes into the wash to begin with much less keep track of when the rinse cycle is happening. But most of all I miss freedom. Freedom to turn up the tv or the music. Freedom to go get the mail while in my pj's. Freedom to let my kids run wild outside or to be loud and crazy inside. Freedom to go to the fridge to get ice for my Dr. Pepper to drink while I'm taking a long hot shower and shaving my legs and washing my hair while my washing machine knows just the right time to dispense the fabric softener. I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK!!!

Application to be my friend....

Midland Day 25

Scenery: I have found green!!!!! Big tall trees with birds and everything!

Gracy: Happy as can be.

Chase: Only crying every other day to go home now

John: Happy and cheerful and not willing to attend my pity parties.

Friends: ZERO, ZILCH, NADA.

Well, I have gotten out of the apartment some this week, and I actually socialized with some other moms at the park with a moms group I have found here. They have all been really nice, and I am beginning to feel more comfortable talking to complete strangers. I am working really hard not scaring them off by following them around or asking directions to their house or if we can come over for Easter!!!:O)

I also found a cat hiding in the parking lot the other day. It took forever for me to lure him over but he got away before I could yank his collar off and make him my own. I was going to call him,"No. 1". Okay, just kidding, I did see a cat but he wouldn't give me the time of day. Maybe tomorrow I'll come armed with a can of tuna.

So, since I have noticed that the women of Midland are not beating down my door to be my friend I have decided to be pro active. I'm thinking an ad on Craigslist should do the trick. I am going to be very specific and quite picky since I'm not getting any younger and frankly do not want to be annoyed by needy people such as myself. Here's what I have come up with so far:



My new friend must be older, fatter and shorter than me (I've always wanted to be the younger, skinny, tall one in the group). They must be the quiet good listener type, since we all know how much I have to say. They must have a good healthy sick sense of humor, and laugh at all of my off the wall jokes. They must have kids that are louder and more obnoxious than my two darlings so that even when my kids are driving me insane I can always feel comfort in the knowledge that, "at least they aren't as bad as _________'s little heathens." They must have their own home or apartment, weirdo's living in grandma's basement need not apply. They must love God, animals (not the slithery kind), America and Greys Anatomy. Okay, they don't have to LOVE Grey's but it would be a bonus.
Last but not least they must be loyal and fun and tolerant enough to put up with me.

All applicants will go through a strict screening process including webcam interviews conducted by my loyal friends back home, a background check (you know how I feel about weirdos), and a simple blood test, (can't have you infecting my family with some weirdo fungus or something). I realize it's a lot but it's not personal.

In return of said friendship I promise to be loyal and fun loving, to listen when I have run out of things to say and to be crafty whenever needed. And by "crafty", I mean both definitions just ask the girls from home!

So, do ya think I'd get any takers? Or, do I just need to stick with the "Crazy Cat Lady", idea????

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers....

Midland day 8
Scenery: Flat and brown
Friends: 0 (here kitty, kitty, kitty)
Gracy: Loving her new school
Chase: Wants to go back to "Nebada" to get his blue walls.
John: Still loving his job
Me: Trying to be more like Tigger and less like Eeyore.

So, I have decided to try and find the positives in all of this change and to stop complaining about all of the things I am missing. For example: I am now able to vacuum the whole apartment with a dustbuster, I can now multi task while Chase is in the tub since the computer desk is right outside of the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen is a breeze considering that I only have 2 decent size pans and a casserole dish, and I finally live near an On the Border.

We also live less than 5 miles from the mall which normally would strike fear into John, but it reminds me a lot of the old Richardson Square mall. It has decent stores, Dillards, JC Penney's, Justice, Aeropostale etc..., but a whole different group of people than I am used to. So, my Tigger view on this is that I will obviously save money by staying out of the mall unless John is with us and honestly how often do you think that's going to happen??? (insert John's happy dance here).

Grace on the other hand has been Tigger since day one. She finds wonder in every cactus and tumbleweed and will tell everyone how much she loves it here. Her first day of school was yesterday and she was more excited about finally getting a locker than anything else. She already has the combination memorized and has it decorated with cute magnets. But I got worried when she got in the car because she stated that it had not been such a great day, when I asked her why she said, "there are like 90 kids in the 4th grade and I only have like 12 good friends and only 2 best friends!!". I reminded her that it was only Tuesday and at that rate by Friday she should have like 48 good friends and 8 best friends and that I had been her for a whole week and didn't even have one friend yet. (sniff, sniff, insert pause here, I need a tissue).

Okay, so maybe I need to work on the whole Tigger approach a little. Maybe my Tigger theory would be more productive if it were accompanied by a margarita.....On the Border is right around the corner you know!

Midland....Day One

Scenery: Flat and brown
Apt.: Not as tiny as I remembered it to be.
Kids: Swimming every chance they get. Gracy has already made a few friends, Chase thinks that monsters live in the walls (we're working on that one).
John: Still loving his job.
Me: Where do I begin.....

I was actually doing quite well when we first got here. Apt. is new and very updated and bigger than I remembered. Kind of reminds me of a nice hotel only bigger. Then I got the e-mail that our house had been listed on MLS, checked it out and boo-hoo'd. I can't believe that someone else is going to be living in my house, cooking in my kitchen and being friendly to my neighbors!!! So I am torn between hoping that it stays ours forever and hoping that it sells really fast so that we can buy our own house here.
I also find myself feeling guilty and struggling with the fact that so many people are losing their homes and jobs and that we are so blessed that John has found such a great company to work for. It is very hard to enjoy my pity party when Oprah is showing a mom who has to move her kids from shelter to shelter because both she and her husband have lost their jobs. I always feel like God is thumping me on the back of the head when I see things like that, saying, "and just what is it that you are whining about????". Life is good. I am blessed. We are all healthy with a roof over our heads. God is good.

8 words I never thought I would ever say.....

Dear Lord, thank you for my root canal.

Why, you ask would I, who is so deathly afraid of dentists be thankful? Well I'll tell you. On Wednesday in the mail came a letter informing us that as of midnight on Saturday our dental insurance would be cancelled since John has changed jobs. Okay, whatever! Then Thursday night during dinner it happened. I lost a filling!! I am guessing that it was probably loosened by all of the teeth grinding I have been doing in my sleep. So Friday morning first thing I head to the dentist office to be first in line. The dentist was very friendly and her assistant was named Grace, which I figured was a good sign right??? WRONG! Obviously, the dentist and Grace were not very fond of each other and neither were very good masking their feelings. It is not very pleasant to be in the middle of a power struggle with two sets of hands in your mouth. I tried to do that whole mind trick thing, you know where you imagine yourself somewhere else but somehow imagining myself at the beach with a drill in my mouth wasn't gettin' it. So then I switched to mentally picturing John drilling screws in the walls to put up drapes in my new house and let me tell you, after 3 hours in that chair my imaginary house has lots and lots of windows. Luckily I survived it and the dentist and her assistant didn't have a throw down right there. I won't lie and say it was any fun, but not as horrible as I thought it might be. So, Thank you God for saving us $1500.00, cause my new house is going to need lots of drapes!

Proof that God has a sense of humor...

Well, I believe it all started a few months back when I mentioned to a few friends that I could live without a lot of things but that I didn't think I could make it without the internet or my TiVo. Now I don't normally consider myself to be spoiled, I mean the majority of my wardrobe came from Target, but I'll admit that my obsession with TiVo is not normal. So here I sat in my cozy home sarcastically remarking on how horrible life was before the internet and TiVo when "BOOM!", John's company was sold. So I began to pray and I asked family and friends to pray, and we all prayed that John would find a good stable job. A few weeks into all of our praying a friend of John's calls asking him to come and interview with the company he was now working for only problem..... it's in Odessa, TX, yes the same Odessa, TX that Friday Night Lights was made after. So I started thinking, surely this couldn't be the job that we have all been praying for right? I mean Odessa is like 6 hours away from my mama, so this can't be the job. So as I was praying that night I realized something, I was not very specific in my prayers, I was praying for a job, not a job close by, not a job in the Dallas area, I was praying for just a job. So then I started to panic what if God was answering all of our prayers, what if this was the good stable job that we had been praying for? So, John scheduled the trip to Odessa and I started praying again and decided to be a lot more specific. I then sarcastically joked with friends that I was asking for a sign from God if Odessa was the plan he had for our family. I stated that if we were supposed to end up in Odessa then I wanted to see George W. Bush or a solar eclipse and then I would know that this was where we were meant to be. So off we went to Odessa and I tried to have an open mind but for those of you who have never been to Odessa let me describe it to you.....it's flat and it's brown. And it seemed that no matter where we went George Bush was on the cover or front page of something and some businesses even had there signs out welcoming him home. But I argued, this was not my sign because I did not actually see him in person. Then on returning home and having a good cry with my neighbor I told her about not seeing Bush in person and she said that she wasn't going to say anything but that France had had a solar eclipse that day, (insert panic attack here). Once again I reflected on my prayers and realized that obviously when I pray I am very vague. I did not ask to see Bush in person, nor did I pray to personally witness the eclipse, but both had happened while we were in Odessa. How do you argue with that I ask??? So, now that I have accepted that Odessa is where we are headed I have become very specific in my prayers, down to every last detail. Oh, and just for more proof that God has a sense of humor: John found out today that the apartment that we have rented faces the wrong direction, so no DirecTV, which means no TiVo, (insert ugly cry here), and as if that were not horrible enough, the tiny refrigerator that the apartment provides does not come with an ice maker.......yes, people, I will have to manually crack ice trays!!! The HORROR! So the lesson to be learned here is: Be careful, God will answer your prayers so be specific and maybe a little less sarcastic.

Tivo saved my marriage...

So let me start this out by saying that those of you who read this that do not have TiVo, will never understand this, but those of you who do are probably nodding your head in agreement even as you read the title. TiVo is one luxury that you don't know you're missing until you have one, but once you own one, it owns you!! I love TiVo, there I said it, I'm not ashamed. I TiVo shows every single day and no longer have to worry about whether or not the Hallmark movie I was looking forward to happens to be on at the same time as the big game, I just sit back knowing that tonight while everyone else is sleeping I will be bawling in my living room watching my previously TiVo'd Hallmark movie and skipping through all of the commercials. It is also great for cranky toddlers who do not want to go to Walmart and chance missing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that is scheduled to come on. I just push a few buttons on the remote and off we go. Another bonus is that you can rewind live TV. So no more having to hold it to go to the bathroom until a commercial comes on, now you just go and rewind whatever you missed. We have all become so spoiled to this that we forget that we only have TiVo on 2 of our TVs and I have caught myself searching for the rewind button on a regular remote. You know kinda like when the electricity goes off and you still flip the light switch on then you look around to see if anyone noticed what an idiot you are. I have come to realize that TiVo is crack for stay at home moms. And yes, I am addicted. I have told John that I realize that the economy is bad and that we need to cut back and I am totally willing to cook at home more and clip coupons and use generic sandwich baggies just don't make me give up my TiVo!! But as always, I have a plan, I have found lots and lots of John's things that I can sell on Ebay if I have to to pay for my habit. And besides, it's good for the family and cheaper than therapy!