West Texas Friends Are Hard To Come By......

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of sweet caring considerate women out here that I have met and had a chance to hang out with, and a few that I have started to get close but then they escape, I mean move and leave me here to start over again. I just haven't had any luck finding those one or two women that you feel like you have known your whole life and whom you really connect with. I'm talking about the kind of friend that you could call at any time of the day or night to bail you out of jail. Now, I would like for it to be noted that I have not personally been in jail myself nor do I plan too, but having already had my identity stolen once I am just waiting for someone to take my name and knock of a liquor store or steal the Hope Diamond.

I think that part of my problem is that it has been so long since I have had to try and make friends that I have forgotten how it's done. I mean it used to be soooo easy, the teacher would sit you next to someone, you would show them how super cool you could draw unicorns, you borrow each others Guess jeans and "POOF!" you had yourself a friend for life. But now to my horror I find my self acting like the puppy at the pound whenever I am around a group of women willing them with my sad puppy dog eyes saying, "Pick me, pick me! I won't pee on your carpet or steal your bone! I'll be good and loyal and always have your back" or something pathetic like that. And I wonder how I came to be in this place where at 40 years old I am trying to convince people that I would be worth the time and trouble to bail out. And I get why it is so hard because the women out here already have best friends, people they have known for years, people who know their secrets and their faults and love them anyways and as a new person it is going to be a lot of work to be my best friend, there's 40 years of history to learn, and a husband and kids to get to know, and then there is my sense of humor which at it's best is sarcastic and sick so opening yourself up to making new friends is hard work, I get it.

It also makes me reflect on what type of friend I might have been back in Nevada. Was I open and inviting to new people or was I just so comfortable in the friendships I had that I maybe didn't include or embrace new friends who needed me? Did I pay enough attention to the people around me to even know when someone was in need of a kind word or gesture? I can honestly answer that I'm not sure I would have noticed, or would have taken the time or made the effort and that is not the kind of person/friend that I want to be. I am trying to use this time in my life to step out of my comfort zone and change the things about myself that I feel God would like for me to improve on, so pray for me to quit being the pathetic puppy and to start being confident and patient, and know that God has a plan for me. Oh and that I need to be on my best behavior and stay out of jail until God sends me "that friend"!!

Date Night In West Texas....

So as most parents know whenever the opportunity is presented to get out alone with your spouse most of us will do just about anything to make it happen. So when John called last week and said that I needed to get a babysitter because he and I were expected to be at the Andrews Chamber of Commerce dinner, I jumped at the idea of actually spending an evening conversing with adults and sharing a meal that did not involve clowns or toys or germ infested indoor playgrounds. Date night started well with my loving hubby opening doors and chit chatting, reminiscing about date nights past and how things have changed....Oh how things have changed. We arrived at the dinner just as the buffet line was opened (great timing on our part), so we grabbed a plate of bbq and found our seats. All was going well until an older man in a cowboy hat stood at the podium to present a citizenship award. Halfway into his second sentence he stuttered twice, grabbed his chest and started to sway, three men jumped up to steady him to which he then returned to the mic and stated that at least he now knew that his defibrillator was working and he continued his 10 minute presentation to introduce the winner of the award!!! No ambulance, no glass of water, no chair, he just wiped the sweat from his brow placed the cowboy hat back on his head and continued on. I was already reliving every episode of Grey's Anatomy and ER that I had ever watched in case I was called on to give CPR or perform heart surgery or something. But while I was lost in my medical drama thoughts I heard this cowboy describing the award winner as a man who had arrived in Andrews 85 years ago in a covered wagon had married his sweetheart and had lived happily with her until she died in May of 1981, then in August of 1981 he married his Sister-in-law.....what a minute.....what? I leaned over to John and whispered, "did he just say he married his dead wife's sister 3 months after the "love of his life died"????". REALLY?!? John gave me the "look" as in, "do not channel this man's dead wife and make a scene by giving this 96 year old man dirty looks across the crowd." I mean I know these things happen but is that something I really want to know about someone receiving an award? Does it make me think more of him or less of him....I'm gonna say less. I cannot even tell you what else defibrillator cowboy and then the award winner got up to receive his award and shuffled his way to the podium where he proceeded to grab the mic and go into a monologue of a day in his life when he was 6 years old that took (and I am not exaggerating here), 15 minutes. I cannot tell you what the rambling story was about except that it involved a crank ford, gasoline and a huge fire. Finally when that was over the evenings entertainment took the stage, finally a distraction that did not include death or betrayal and then she approached the mic, opened up her mouth and...YODELED! Yes our entertainment of the night was none other than the National Champion Yodeler all the way from New Mexico. She only got half a yodel out when my dear husband grabbed my purse and my hand and led/dragged me out the door. We laughed all the way to the car to which he opened my door, kissed me and promised me that if I died he would never marry my sister. Which would have been really creepy and sweet except that I don't have any sisters. Nice try Hunny!
Next date night I get to pick!

As the 2 Year Anniversary Approaches.....

Last week as John and I were talking to someone at his work they asked how long we have lived here in Midland to which I replied, "A little over a year", while at the same time John replied, "2 years". I started to correct him on that until I did the math in my head and realized that he was right! March will make 2 years that we have lived here and I have to admit that for some reason that makes me queasy...not that I am not liking it more here, but somehow I feel like I have lost a whole year of my life somehow while living here. I like the idea of telling people that we are new to Midland or "not from here", but now I guess I am from here. *gulp* I have come a long way from when we first moved here I no longer lock myself in the closet with a bottle of wine, or pretend that Oprah and Ellen are the only ones who really understand me, I am no longer angry everyday when John has a good day at work because I secretly wanted him to be as miserable as I was. I have given up trying to force people to be friends with me and now pray that God will just send a friend to knock on my door. I will admit that the school that the kids go to is like nothing back home and that they have opportunities here that they would never have back there, but it is so bitter sweet to read on Facebook how all of Gracy's old friends are still hanging out together and so close, knowing that Gracy will enter into middle school next year without the support of close friends. I picture her alone at the lunch table wearing too much dark eyeliner and black lipstick listening to Nirvana or Marilyn Manson. Oh gosh, I feel a panic attack coming on....I think I hear the bottle of wine in the fridge and the closet calling my name!!!

Forty and .......crud, I forgot....

Tonight on the eve of my 40th birthday I am forced to examine where I have been and what I have become.
My first decade I lived carefree and fun thinking that I could do or be anything I could imagine.
My second decade was mostly spent trying to get through the days without embarrassing myself at school and thinking that I would live forever and conquer the world.
Most of my third decade was spent being a wife and praying and begging God for a baby of our own wanting more than anything to just be a mom.
My fourth decade God answered my prayer, (in his own time)and blessed us with two great children whom I am convinced can do and be anything in the world that they can imagine.
Now as I am entering my fifth decade I find that many things have changed.
I find myself less concerned about how others see me and more how my family sees me.
I find that style is uncomfortable and over-rated and instead opt for comfort and wrinkle free.
I find that having a handful of "real" friends easily outweighs the idea of having a collection of "sometime" friends.
I now know the importance of spending my life married to a man who still makes me laugh, still makes my heart skip a beat, and knows all of my faults and loves me anyways.
And I find that I contemplate more what I can do in my lifetime to make a difference while I am here.
Most importantly I find that I now try to make decisions that I think will make God happy instead of all of those years when I prayed that God would make me happy.

Vacation In Pam's World

Now most people go on trip's and relax and re-energize, but in my world it is never that simple.

Last week the kids and I went to Houston to visit family and my plan was to go there, throw the children at their aunt and uncle, to run upstairs lock myself in my room and rest and eat bon bons and read magazines. HA! What was I thinking??? On day two Gracy corners me in the bedroom (supposed to be my silent sanctuary), looks me straight in the eyes and asks, "Are you and daddy Santa Claus?". REALLY? Now let me set the stage for you, we are in HOUSTON, it is JULY,it is 100 degrees outside and if I wasn't already sweating enough I get THIS!! So I start fumbling my words and darting my eyes around looking for an escape, but there she stood between me and the door, her sweet eyes trusting me to tell her the truth, but instead I turned it around to, "Well, what do you think?", to which she replied, "I just want you to be honest with me." My mind raced, what would June Cleaver, Carol Brady or Clare Huxtable do?? My mind went blank, I briefly thought about stomping on her foot to buy myself some time, but ended up just looking down and sheepishly nodding. Now I won't embarrass her by detailing her full reaction (which makes me tear up just thinking about it), but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. Finally, an hour or two later when she would finally look at me again I asked how she was feeling and this is the one word answer I got, "Betrayed"......gulp, wholly canola I have truly scarred this child for life!! She will never trust me again with anything and will end up one of those girls who hates her mother.

So I promptly go into damage control about how life is hard and we just wanted her to believe in a little magic to make her childhood more fun and magical, to which I got dead silence, arms crossed, head slightly tilted to the side. So, I decided to deflect some of the heat off of me and threw John under the bus by telling her that if it were up to her daddy that we would lie to her about it until she was in college. Again, silence, look of disgust and betrayal written all over her face. I figured it was then best to hug her and walk away, so I threw my arms around her and for the first time she didn't hug me back and I think I felt my heart crack right down the middle right then and there.

The next day was filled with fun and laughter and I started thinking, maybe this is going to be okay, maybe we are passed all of that, but then night came. As she lay on my bed out of the blue she tells me she's been thinking a lot about what I had said and wants to know if that means that there is also no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny. SERIOUSLY??????? I must have just looked at her with deer in the headlights look, because the tears started again and then came the question, "Have you lied to me about anything else?",......well, yeah, haven't you read my blog? I have lies planned for the next three years, but of course I couldn't say that so I just once again deflected by pointing out that now she could be my helper in being all of those things for Chase to which she replied, " I could never betray him that way." There was that word again "betray", I'm sure I'll be hearing that one a lot in family counseling. She then proceeded to go through an inventory of every favorite gift Santa ever brought and question how they came to be. The "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer spoon when she was 4, (which I stayed up till 3 a.m. to craft), or the personalized framed autographed picture of Santa Claus and Rudolph, (which I bought from Santa Bob's ebay store), and the list goes painfully on and on.

It also doesn't help that Chase is literally on the verge of losing his first tooth and is none to happy about it. He likes his teeth the way they are and is going to keep that tooth in as long as he can. The dentist even said a month ago that if he sneezes really hard that tooth is coming out. So in the middle of every meal he would run over in a panic for me to check and make sure that his baby tooth (his favorite I am told), is still in place. And every time we would try to calm him and coax him into just pulling it out so the Tooth Fairy would come I could feel the heat of Gracy's stare of betrayal and I would cower and try not to make eye contact.

Oh, and one more thing, on the 8 hour trip home I was pulled over and given a speeding ticket and then informed by Chase that he no longer wanted to ride in the car with me because I break the law and am not safe! Woo Hoo, fun times, I'm telling ya! Guess I can scratch "Mother of the Year", off my list of long term goals huh!!

Now I don't want you to think it was a total bust. We had a great time other than the lies, betrayal and speeding ticket. Every day was filled with fun and laughter and so much spoiling from their aunt and uncle that it is going to take at least 3 or 4 weeks to reprogram the children.

Long Term Goals

So I just happened to be married to one of "those" kind of people who always wants to discuss our goals, maybe it's from all of those years he played soccer or something but he always has goals on his mind. He has a 2 yr. plan, 5 yr. plan, 10 yr. plan etc... and he likes for us to discuss them to make sure we are on the same "path" which loosely translates into, "quit spending money, your screwing up the plan!". I on the other hand, tend to be more of a tomorrow's plan kinda girl, or if I'm really feeling productive a "next week's plan", so needless to say not only are he and I not in the same "car", but I think he may be happily cruising down the highway while I am blissfully sitting at the rest-stop drinking a starbucks. But all of that is about to change. Here are some of my new long term goals:

I am looking forward to the day when I can shower without an audience. I cannot even remember the last time I was able to shower without a kid or a dog on the other side of the glass, demanding my attention. I know, most of you are thinking, "Well, duh! Lock the door!", but all mothers know that if you lock them out they will only beat on the door and with the water running you can never fully make out the screams. They might be informing you that a new episode of Spongebob is coming on, or it could be that Chase is putting his grilled cheese in the paper shredder, and I just can't take that chance.

I also look forward to the day when a family vacation does not have to include cartoon animals and sweating like a dog while you spend hours in line to ride something that is just going to make you swear in front of your children because you are so scared.

I look forward to the day when a road trip doesn't involve having to listen to the same Disney movie 3 or 4 or 5 times depending on the distance of the destination. Or that the inevitable pit-stop at McDonald's doesn't result in an all out throw down in the backseat over the Happy Meal toys.

Now short term, I hope that I accomplish one chore today that even when you see it tomorrow it still looks good. Which means it won't be the floors, the bathrooms or the kitchen.

See, that wasn't so hard. I might get into this whole "goal" thing. My next goal is to finish this blog before my "monster" wakes up demanding breakfast. Woo Hoo, can check that one of my list!

I Have Been Dreading This For 10 Years......

As my sweet baby Grace inches closer and closer to the dreaded teenage years I realize that the day that I have been terrified of is close at hand.....it is time to have..."THE TALK" (gasp, whimper, tremble)!!! Now I have been doing my research for years on the right way to proceed with this and every book, doctor and other parent has advised me to just be honest and give the facts and be matter of fact about it. Obviously, they don't know me very well at all, or they would know that saying the word "Sex" or referring to body parts with their correct terminology is never going to easily or matter of factly come out of my mouth without the help of a pitcher of margarita's and maybe an extra Lexapro. I mean I'm breaking into a sweat right now at the mere thought of having to say "those words", to my sweet innocent baby. So I have come up with a 2 step plan. It may require a few extra sessions of family therapy later on, but I'm willing to chance it.

Step One:
I'm going to inform her all of the basics and then include the following: That the first time you have sex it is extremely painful, so painful in fact that it has been known to cause temporary blindness and sometimes causes girls who are too young to pass out. I am then going to tell her a "story", of a family member who shall remain anonymous who on her first time had a front tooth spontaneously eject from her mouth poking her unsuspecting lover in the eye causing her such humiliation that she had to move to another town and change schools. Now, I know this may seem cruel and inhuman but I'm really just trying to buy some time here people. I will then ease some of her fears by telling her that the only way to not have to go through this pain and agony is by having a special magical ring blessed by a minister on her wedding day in front of her loving parents that when placed on her finger has a special anesthetic that takes away all of the horrible parts. I figure that this will buy me another good 3-4 years before the world informs her of my treachery and then I will have to go on to...

Step Two:
which is... well, the truth at which time I will have had a job for a while and be able to put my bribery plan into action with clothes, a car or a pony.

I have also been working with John to get our stories straight about how the two of us met. Instead of telling the children we met when I was 17 on Forrest Lane when I locked my keys in the car at 11:00 at night when I was on my way to the illegal street races, we are going to tell our children that we met when John was dropping off his food donation to the retirement home and saw me there reading to the blind. Now normally John would not go along with something like this but honestly he would agree to just about anything so as not to have to be the ONE giving his baby girl "The Talk", so he's playing along.

And family members, if at our next family gathering you notice that Gracy is studying your smile closely, possibly looking for evidence of a false front tooth, do us a favor and play along. Help us keep her our innocent baby girl a little while longer. Thanks!